What knight live in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. Scene 3 ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. CUSTOMER: Why? MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
MORTICIAN: Who's that then? CUSTOMER: I don't know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: I feel happy. CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's - they've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor. DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that - it's against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not - you'll be stone dead in a moment. CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! MORTICIAN: He isn't. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here - he says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing - here's your nine pence. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? GUARD #2: Well, why not? Scene 2 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one - nine pence. GUARD #2: Wait a minute - supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! GUARD #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. GUARD #1: What - a swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? ARTHUR: We found them. GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! GUARD #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am. Scene 1 ARTHUR: Whoa there! GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.